Howdy! Pirates of Appalachia is an epic absurdist satire releasing as a weekly serial. Think 2 parts Huck Finn, 1 part Slaughterhouse-Five, served with a punch to the face by A Boy Named Sue. This is a completed novel—not a work in progress. Learn more or start from the beginning via the buttons below. Happy pirating!
Previously on Pirates of Appalachia… As Brick Breaker reels from learning that his son was diagnosed as a Crispy and sent away to tall school at birth, an advert for the most popular game in all the land began to play…
DroneStrike Arcade, Observation Deck
Gia’s Indomitable (and indomitably prosperous) City of Pittsburgh
Thursday, October 24, 0026 P.C., 10:31 P.M.
“Best investment TIDY ever made, Gia said as swarms of defaults descended into the arcade. From her vantage point, the arcade’s entrance looked like a gaping coin slot, and the droning masses glittered like vintage U.S. quarters depositing themselves into her treasury. While others saw sloth as disadvantageous, Gia saw it as a business opportunity. Because although they lacked work ethic, pain tolerance, and the simple ambition to leave their basements, the defaults were so zealously self-deluded that they still expected to perform heroic deeds and embark on epic journeys. So Gia built the grandest basement the world has ever seen, where their indolence could be weaponized in the unending quest to win the post. It was a masterclass in corporate-government partnership: In less than two years she converted the military-industrial complex from a conscription model to the citizenry paying for the privilege to wage war. And the defaults proved far more proficient at exploding enemies of the state than paid soldiers. Gia laughed to herself and stroked the wooden paddle she carried with her as signal that she—and she alone—was the one steering this ship. Bombing teepees—only someone with an omniscient understanding of the world could have predicted how wildly successful Season Seven would become. Fortunately, Gia was that someone, and now she was perched upon the precipice of the greatest industrial invasion since Bezussissippi ignited the War of the Four Domains. She could only imagine the posts boasting of her strategic and tactile supremacy. And once she controlled the ones and zeros, nothing in the city—redline: nada in the unincorporated world—would escape the inky tip of her pen. The seasons no longer changed based on the faulty wobble of the planet: they changed precisely how she scripted them. She already owned the sky; soon, she would own the hills as well. And when that day comes, the unwashed deplorables will thank her. Just like the bloodthirsty brutes in the Xioddarm ashlands are doing now…”
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Chapter Notes
BEWARE: potential spoilers ahead…
DroneStrike Arcade, Observation Deck
Gia’s Indomitable[Ma1] (and indomitably prosperous) City of Pittsburgh
Thursday, October 24, 0026 P.C., 10:31[WH2] P.M.
[Ma1]A synonym is “unyielding” like the “premise” Brick Breaker carries around.
[WH2]This is a prime number, immediately a subtle clue that this character is directly linked to Brick; making the clue less subtle is that Brick’s chapter immediately preceding is set at 10:13, so the one and three are just flipped.
Fortunately, Gia was that someone, and now she was perched upon the precipice of the greatest industrial invasion[Ma3] since Bezussissippi ignited the War of the Four Domains.
[Ma3]i.e., she wants to industrialize the unincorporated areas in WV and down Appalachia. She does not want a full-blown war with another city-state, she just wants to start incorporating the unincorporated. This is greed, a power grab, but also she sees it as her destiny to “correct” them… hence, the “redline” reference (used redline as it fits with her act as a writer, versus the direct term “correction).
And when that day comes, the unwashed deplorables[Ma4] will thank her. Just like the bloodthirsty brutes in the Xioddarm ashlands are doing now…”
[Ma4]She refers to the citizens of Pitt as “defaults” and the folks in Appalachia (the unincorporated lands) as “unwashed deplorables.”
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